Ali Pica

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, ALI: My new girlfriend seems great. Why do I feel like something isn’t right?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, ALI: My new girlfriend seems great. Why do I feel like something isn’t right?
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“Jaded Online Dater” writes:

Ali,

I am a single guy in his mid-20s and have had some pretty shitty luck with dating. I have a great job that I love, have been told I am attractive, and I am independent. It sucks, though; I haven’t had a long-term relationship in a while (a couple years) and tried online dating. Let’s just say it’s been less than successful, dealing with vapid girls who just seem to want a guy for money or sex, girls who don’t look like their profile picture (at all), girls who are too clingy, etc. I mean, sex is great, but I want more than that, maybe even a relationship in the future. I don’t know what I am doing wrong, if anything at all, but I should mention I recently met a girl I’ve been dating consistently for the past month. She seems cool, we clearly are attracted to each other (the sex is amazing), and we have a lot in common, but I keep getting a nagging feeling that something isn’t right. Do I have an issue or am I right that there’s something wrong? What do you think?”

Jaded Online Dater

Dear “Jaded Online Dater,”

Do not let a few or even a lot of bad experiences cloud your judgment of this new girl you have been dating. Mutual attraction, even if it is initially only physical, is an important aspect of building a romantic relationship. If you are not physically attracted to someone at the start of a romantic relationship, it will never be successful (sorry, guys or girls who constantly whine they are in the friendzone – there is a reason why you are there in “not-getting-laid purgatory”).

I am sure you have heard of pheromones, basically scents humans and other animals emit naturally as a means of attracting mates? Well, these pheromones are fairly powerful in indicating whether you want to have sex with a person or not and if it will be enjoyable. Sadly, online dating takes out some of the biology aspect, such as pheromones, leaving us with attraction to potential online dating mates for other reasons (i.e. we are attracted to those who have similar interests, who are average looking, and so forth). You might want to shut up a little and listen, because your body is telling you something for a reason, as in biology is an important factor in developing a successful relationship with a partner.

So you are afraid that it will all about sex? Think about it. Are there any other things that you have in common? Do you have long conversations about mutual topics of interest? Does she ignore you or cut you off mid-conversation, when you are discussing something? Does she say, “I am bored,” often or at all? Does she reach out to touch you, cuddle, and/or is receptive when you do so or is she running for her life to avoid spending any extra time with you or cringing at the sight of you otherwise? Do you run away or cringe at the thought of spending time with her besides having sex? Do you think that maybe you are a little insecure or are judging her a little too harshly, assuming she is using you? Do you think that you are someone that could be readily seen as a sexual object (e.g. GQ model)? Is she desperate? Are you desperate? I doubt all of these questions are relevant, but this may be your problem and not hers. Could this be why you have struggled in developing a relationship in past couple of years?

If you add all of these variables, you will end up with an answer. Essentially, if you both have conversations outside of the bedroom, have mutual interests, and enjoy spending time together, where is the problem? Just because you both have amazing sexual compatibility (or at least according to what you said), then why is nothing else possible? There are numerous aspects of attraction, so if you want to continue seeing this person, why not? Just because you are afraid of some that things will not work out?

Take my advice: Stop thinking so much about yourself, enjoy this woman and let her enjoy you as much as you can, and if things progress, let it happen. If not, you had great sex.

Stop worrying and enjoy life.

Ali

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Ali is an advice column that runs every Friday on NEPA Scene. E-mail your anonymous question to Ali here to be featured in a future column.