J. Bear Savo

BEHIND THE BLOCK: Quirky qualification questions for potential consignors

BEHIND THE BLOCK: Quirky qualification questions for potential consignors
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I entered the home, flashlight in hand. It was dark and dank and half fallen. The ceiling sagged like a hammock. The adjoining room was sunken by at least a foot, not by design, but because the house was ready to finish imploding at any moment. What contents were visible were buried in shattered plaster and splintered wood. Refusing to venture farther into the ruins, I bid adieu to the owner and took my leave.

I sighed as I drove away. “One more question to ask potential consignors,” I thought. Indeed, not only do callers need to be asked if their merchandise has ever been on fire, but now they need to be asked if their chattel is in a collapsing and/or collapsed structure. Dumbfounded by such absurdity, but compelled to adapt to it, I have created other questions that I need now use when qualifying potential consignors regarding what they wish to sell.

  • Is it now or has it ever been under water?
  • Has it ever been shot?
  • Has it ever been scored by an ax, saw, or other sharp object?
  • Has it ever been put through a wood chipper?
  • Has it ever been pooped/peed upon?
  • Has it ever been used as evidence in a witch trial?
  • Has it ever been institutionalized against its will?
  • Does it exist in this universe?
  • Is it in an ancient pyramid?
  • Is it guarded by booby traps?
  • Is it host to a trans-dimensional parasite?
  • Is it within zombie-held territory?
  • Has it ever been possessed by an evil spirit?
  • Has it ever been swallowed by a whale?
  • Are Stormtroopers looking for it?
  • Has Dumbledore ever owned it?

I am fully aware that the preceding list has a high probability for amendments. They will be added as necessary to protect myself from outrageous and unwanted adventures. After all, I am only an auctioneer, and although I look pretty damn sexy wearing a fedora and a bullwhip, I don’t play Indiana Jones in public.

Photo by J. Bear Savo

There’s far more to being a professional auctioneer than merely marketing merchandise. Each Wednesday, Behind the Block explores the precise methods, the elemental madness, and the intrinsic humanity of the auction industry.