Rich Cicci

WILDLY FRUSTRATED: McDonald’s, we don’t want a new Hamburglar – we want all-day breakfast. Now.

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Say what you will about McDonald’s, but I don’t know a single person with the willpower to resist an Egg McMuffin and a hash brown. Their breakfasts are simply amazing! Yes, it is fast food, but who cares when it tastes that good? For those who share my sentiments, I have some news for you. McDonald’s is finally serving breakfast all day long!

Well… they will be doing that eventually. The new program isn’t nationwide yet. They are testing the market first. Supposedly, it is a huge overhaul to their current operations because they don’t have the “grill space” available for the new service, so they want to tiptoe into the waters (or fryers, as it were). One would think with such a complicated logistical strategy as grill spacing, Mickey D’s must be planning to launch in a prime market. It would have to be a true hard-working area that loves fast food innovations. A blue collar town like… San Diego, California?! Are you fucking serious!?

What the hell are you thinking, McDonalds? San Di-fucking-ego? Of all the cities across this nation, you choose an über health-conscious city in one of the epicenters of pretentiousness that is the state of California!? Those hot-bodied, mantra-chanting, chakra-stroking rubes are not going to appreciate this! They aren’t even your chief demographic – not in the damn slightest! Unless they can substitute chia paste in place of special sauce, kale for lettuce, and have free-ranged, stress-free tofu instead of two all-beef patties, they won’t be ordering a Big Mac, let alone a sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddle any time soon.

Besides that, San Diego and California in general have had all-day breakfast for years! Jack in the Box already has that market cornered. It makes absolutely no sense to launch a program in an area that already has a well-established competitor providing the same exact service. What kind of data is McDonald’s hoping to gather? If they can beat out a competitor at their own game, they’ll call it a success? That’s dumb. That is really dumb.

What you actually do is drop that sum’bitch in a place where McD’s would be the only place providing that particular service (in this case, the all-day breakfast). You’ll find out real quick if you have a good idea on your hands. Let me tell you a little secret that everyone already knows – it is one damn good idea. Hell, you do that here and I’ll be ordering a Big Mac with a hash brown as the middle bun in no time! However, I have no idea when I’ll be able to enjoy a McDonald’s breakfast for dinner, and that makes me too sad for words.

Conversely, why the hell can’t I get lunch in the morning? Granted, Ronald has decreed that breakfast ends at 10 a.m., but what about earlier than that? If I need something a little more substantial than a bacon and egg biscuit, I should be allowed to order a Royalè with cheese at 7 in the morning. That’s a “Quarter Pounder” for the uncultured out there. What can I say? I like to eat fancy whenever possible. The fact is, it isn’t that much of a stretch to be able to access that entire cooler from open to close if you think about it. Breakfast for dinner is something that is commonplace in today’s society. I think McDonald’s can be on the forefront of the new “Dinner for Breakfast” campaign if they have the foresight and the courage.

The world is an uncertain place. There are too many question marks and variables floating around in this chaotic universe of ours. In times like these, there is nothing any of us can do besides sit and wait patiently, hoping McDonald’s opens up that all-day breakfast to everyone. I’m going to try and stay positive thinking that Ronald knows what’s best for this country. That having been said… you listen to me, San Diego. If you fuck this up for everyone, there will be hell to pay! You will rue the day! Not your comic con, zoo and aquarium, nor even Philip Rivers and the entire San Diego Chargers will be able to save you from an army of scornful fast food junkies waiting at your doorstep! High cholesterol be damned, you will not survive a siege from such a force! No matter what you tell yourselves, you know that to be true. San Diego, the all-seeing fast food eye of America is upon you. You know what you must do.

But screw the new hipster Hamburglar. You can take that right back, McDonald’s.

Wildly Frustrated is a recurring column that takes a lighthearted look at rage-inducing and blood-boiling topics focusing on, or surrounding, various forms of entertainment, media, and possibly the world around us. It’s unleashed on Thursdays on NEPA Scene.